Three letter words

I'm thinking this morning on how box and God are three letter words, yet when we put God in a box we experience less than what we were meant too.

I remember when The Lord asked me during pleading for kids "do you want your dreams fulfilled or mine. Because mine are bigger?"

Gulp.

The church answer is "Gods". Honestly in that moment I struggled. I pouted. Through gritted teeth-eventually -I said "of course I want yours!" That came at a cost. Dying to self is capital H-A-R-D.

When I began dealing with my wounds regarding females the easy solution was to forgive but remain isolated. Isolation is a misguided safe place. Left to our own heads bondage and circular thoughts aren't really safe. God is gracious and began showing me misguided ideas in friendships.

What I wanted was one BFF that would isolate with me. We would be lifelong friends, families would be happily ever after, and the world would know we we weren't available to expand. Ungodly belief? Indeed. Did I try this idea and sell out? Absolutely. More than once? yep. Did it work? No.

Our ultimate example is Jesus. He surrounded himself with twelve and had two or three intimate in that circle. Why do I keep trying out my own ideas when the bible pretty much laid it out perfectly???

Thankfully God gave me the courage to get back up after being knocked down. This time with a fresh set of eyes. I began seeing that most of my friendships in the past were out of convenience. And it was time to be intentional. Am I enough to meet every need my kids have? My husband has? No. God showed me that "it takes a village" thing rings true for friendship. I dipped my toe in it. Terrified Uncertain. And frankly scared shitless.

Oh but God is good. He made the water warm and enjoyable to that toe dipped in. He gave me Bean who I could be completely awkward with. He gave me Termite who included me in group settings. After years of keep trying, keep staying when I want to run, tear. Today I find myself in the heart of the very best birthday presents ever. I have my twelve. Plus! Some know every ounce of my baggage because they have helped me carry it. Others bless me with laughter. And still others give me the chance to love them by giving back what I've been given. It's glorious and terrifying rebuilding trust in women.

Taking God out of the box is scary and uncertain but I'm living in the splendor of HIS big dreams for me and that is glorious!