You're so thrifty

My mom called herself "thrifty". I ragged her constantly, calling a spade "cheap". Sometimes, in the mix of playfully making fun of your mom you don't realize there is a gift being past down. You have no idea something will birth in you later... 

I get sad thinking that the gift birthed in the heat of her life slipping away. I get mad "damnit mom I wish you'd fought for health!" 

I think about how much she would love my new obsession with cute nails- because despite her portraying us always being broke growing up, she let me get a pedicure when I asked (I wonder if that came out of her secret "mad money"?) 

My mom didn't give me the things I ache for still to this day. But as the time passes I forget specifics and begin appreciating what she did offer me in her complete brokenness... I was spoiled with the morning wake up call(back rubbed and gentle voice). Childlike faith that makes no sense was past down. Memories of her protecting me (the time a kid told her mom I was sleeping while babysitting and tried to short me without even asking me). The insane favor I have when I hunt (aka:shop). 

And my laugh may not compare to hers, but dang I am goofy. Just. like. her. I faught it for a long time. But I have never felt freer. 

Missing her a lot lately...